You've been attempting to communicate your message, but it's not going through. It's driving you crazy, and you're a touch upset, so you decide to take a different approach.
Now and then, concert-level volume is appropriate, such as when announcing "There's a bear behind you" or "Power line down." But the main question is: how frequently do those scenarios arise? Rarely, is the answer.
Next, how often do you reach that level of intensity? "Too often," is the response. You're well aware that it doesn't function. It's never pleasant. It never improves the situation. You simply want to quit doing it.
It's great to want something, but you'll need more to make it happen. Playing detective to find your triggers might help, as can setting realistic expectations, because beneath the yelling is tension, which isn't going away.
Begin with the fundamentals.
It helps to understand why we yell in the first place before we can stop.
We could be in a discussion and feel as if we aren't being heard. We take it as an insult, become irritated, and the limbic system of the brain interprets it as a threat, triggering the fight-or-flight reaction.
Our blood pressure rises, our respiration shallows, and our muscles stiffen. We can start making assumptions now that our history is included. Everything moves faster when we're high on adrenaline, and our focus narrows. "We don't think about innovative ideas as effectively when we're in survival mode," she explains. "The first order of business is to defend, flee, or fight."
It's also not a one-man show. We're yelling at someone, and our attempt to exert control over the situation provokes that individual, resulting in the aforementioned emotional and physiological responses, as well as the potential for a shouting match (which is anything but festive).
There's one additional aspect that's often overlooked: the element of flight. The same process occurs if we choose not to yell and instead hold our anger in tense muscles, shallow breathing, and limited focus. We're not making a lot of noise, but we're not calm or looking for ways to improve things. "It's almost as though I'm on the verge of collapsing."
It is possible to be calm while yelling. Deep breathing, interrupting the conversation, and/or walking away from the trigger can help break the dynamic, although it's challenging. Fear is a primal emotion, and once we're in it, our bodies become hijacked. The best path is to rehearse tactics before you need them. "You can't just rest in a hot situation."
It all begins with consciousness.
Over the course of a week, keep track of your conduct, recording what provoked your ranting and ranking your anger on a scale of zero to ten. Consider everything that was involved, including the people, issues, and place, as well as whether you had eaten or slept properly because self-care has an impact on your ability to handle stress.
When you assign a numerical value to your anger, it becomes more objective. You can tell the difference between a 1, 4, and an 8 in the early phases and are better able to handle things. When you write down your observations, you'll notice patterns and begin to consider ways to avoid potential problems. Carrying food, avoiding particular people, or scheduling a potentially difficult interaction for when you're at your best are all examples.
Deep breathing can be beneficial.
There is no such thing as a magic number. People have their own ways of doing things. Simply notice your breathing, or even walk away and count to ten, according to Chronopoulos. The end outcome is the same. Your thoughts have shifted away from the stress and toward something more practical and concrete. When you're calm, another exercise is to gradually relax your muscles. You'll be able to tell when your body is relaxed and when it is tense as a result. It's referred to as "discrimination training" by Chronopoulos. You can use this information to remind yourself to do simple things like dropping your shoulders or unclench your hands.
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